On the event of our anniversary, I posted the following message to Facebook:
Today, we celebrate many many years of commitment, three-quarters of which include the legally binding contract called marriage. We honor our love for each other every single day. But today, we give thanks for the legal protections afforded to us by the government for making this legal contract with each other. We hope that one day soon, our friends who live in states whose government continues to discriminate against them will one day also be able to share in those legal benefits.
In response, a friend asked me whether I feel that people who engage in polyamorous relationships, but are prevented from getting married are being discriminated against. He extended the question to GSA couples who are prevented from being legally married in some places. It's a completely legitimate question. I started to respond in Facebook, but decided that it needed a longer and more thoughtful response than Facebook provides. Here is my response:
I have been blessed to have met a lot of people who live in all kinds of relationships. I have met happily married people whose marriages were arranged and did not know each other until weeks before their marriage. I have met one person who lives in, and have read a little bit about, polyamorous marriages. I also know and love people of a variety of sexual and gender identities, many of whom are in committed relationships, some of whom are married, and many who are unable to be married or have their legal marriage recognized by the state they live in.
What I've learned is that I cannot say that the structure of their intimate and family relationship is fundamentally wrong. Especially when I see so many examples of heterosexual couples who mistreat, abuse, and disrespect their partners and their families. How can I say a same sex relationship, a polygamous relationship, or even an arranged marriage is inherently wrong when there are so many examples of loving, supportive, and devoted relationships in exactly those kinds of family structures. These folks have taught me that there are many ways of being and many ways of loving that are based on mutual respect and devotion.
For me, there are two issues here. First, there is the issue of dignity and abuse. There is a long history of subjugation within and through marriage. You have to look no further than the bible for examples of this. We find oppression and degradation (especially of women) in both monogamous and polygamous relationships. As such, it strikes me that abuse is not confined to a particular family morphology. Rather, history (and reading today's newspapers) shows us that patriarchy and the structure of power between social and gender groups is what creates oppression. If dignity can be found in arranged marriages, same-sex and opposite-sex marriages, then it is entirely possible that people (again, most especially women) can live dignified lives even in polygamous relationships.
The second, and more important issue, is the legal one. To me, this issue is about the law, and by extension the relationship between the state (i.e. the government) and its citizens. I am not concerned about what any particular faith community believes or practices and would not support requiring faith communities to perform religious rituals that are contrary to their belief system.
My concern is the extension of legal protections and privileges to people who choose to engage in the legal contract that we call marriage. There are hundreds of benefits and protections that are afforded to people who are legally married that people who are not allowed to be legally married are denied. Again, my primary concern is the ability of people to be able to live lives of dignity and respect. By not extending the access to legal recognition of a relationship between consenting adults, the government is discriminating against those people without any rational relationship to a legitimate government interest.
However, the question that is really at the heart of my friend's inquiry is would I support extending legal recognition of polygamy. I would have to say at this point, I just might. Since my primary concern is the ability of people to live in loving, devoted, dignified relationships of their choosing, I can't say that I have an a priori objection to any particular family structure.
However, I will also concede that I don't really know whether I would support the legalization of polygamy yet because I don't know that we have in place the social and legal structures to manage what is a more complex family structure. We barely have the legal capacity to handle definitions of family that extend beyond one or two degrees. Two cousins living together do not constitute a "family" in many jurisdictions, which is contrary to how many non-white or lower income cultures view family. The obsession with maintaining the "nuclear family" as the only legally acceptable family structure makes dealing with potential conflicts within polygamous families a legal minefield.
What do you do if one wife asserts she has been abused and the others either have not or do not agree there has been abuse? How do you handle divorce settlements, especially in community property states? Do all spouses have to agree to an adoption? Or to give permission for one spouse to travel with a minor child overseas? Who has decision-making power in the event of medical emergency and death? Does one mother have the same legal rights over the biological child of co-wife?
None of these are insurmountable. But they require that we as a society engage respectfully with communities who do live in polyamorous relationships. It may require that we look to cultures that accept polygamy for guidance - something U.S. Americans are loathe to do. But if we can find a way to distinguish between abusive relationships from loving, devoted ones, then perhaps we can accept this is a family structure.
I can't say I've met people who meet the criteria for GSA, at least not to my knowledge. I haven't read much about it but I suspect that this may become an issue that will have to be addressed legally in places where known genetic relation prevents legal marriage. With the increase in the use of anonymous sperm and egg donors, the probability of such relationships occurring may increase. Again, I suspect that I would not object to allowing these couples to marry. If there is no indication of abuse, if they live healthy, supportive, loving lives, that is their business and not mine.
